“You have to participate relentlessly in the manifestations of your own blessings.” Elizabeth Gilbert
This was the quote I’d brought with me for the labyrinth walk. Manifest by blessings, huh? I’ve realized I think of myself as exhibiting “Eeyore energy.” Down. Scowling. Judgmental, but insightful. But the Intuitive Energy folks tell me my energy is really Tigger energy! Bouncy, happy, goofy. What happened?
What came to me was the desire to learn to stay: stay with the present moment, stay with my feelings without masking or changing them. I realized I rarely do that. I’m forever tweaking. I want this feeling to be happy; that co-worker to leave; this mess to evaporate. I want to plan, to know what comes next. I might not know what I want, but I want it to be different.
For years I tried practicing mindfulness from time to time. I would periodically beamed in, look at my life and the mess I found myself in (single, working at a job I hated, living paycheck to paycheck), and I wouldn’t like what I found, so I’d beam out again and go back to autopilot. For some reason I thought I’d wake up one day and things would be different, that it was just my bad luck. I never felt like there was anything I could do to change it. Hadn’t I done everything I’d been told should lead to success?
Finally, I am catching on to the fallacy of the “you shoulds” and what liars they are. I’m realizing just changing jobs or changing careers doesn’t really change anything. I’m figuring out I’m going to have to stay present with the discomfort, look for the blessings, take charge of my thinking, and notice my joys. There is a balance between dreams and goals, and staying present with what is. Or, as the Zen monk, Crash Davis, in the movie Bull Durham puts it
I got a lotta time to hear your theories and I want to hear every damn one of ’em… but right now I’m tired and I don’t want to think about baseball and I don’t want to think about Quantum physics… I don’t want to think about nothing…… I just want to be.