Monthly Archives: October 2012

Room of Lost Dreams

We have company coming to stay with us this weekend.  We’ve known for a couple months this person was coming.  So, we’ve slowly been taking the plants off the porch, cutting back the sweet potato vine that ate Cincinnati, straightening piles, and weeding out an occasional bit of formerly valued items (aka. Crap).  My main goal was “Does it look OK from the front door?”

Recently I learned they would be spending the night.  They will be sleeping in a room frequented by cats, so that means lots of fur that needed to be rounded up and off of every surface.  As the weekend approached, the level of fanaticism around our house also increased.  We each had our quirks: Steve suddenly needed to paint the workshop, while I began trying a new method of mulching the front bed.  While Steve managed to paint on the hottest day this fall, I mulched on the coldest, finishing by porch light in 40 degree temps with a brisk north wind.

Eventually we both focused on the inside of the house.  When I found myself slinging papers, old plaques, and other items into a box so I could get them out of sight, I did have to ask myself “What IS this crap and WHY am I keeping it?!”   After one of these binges, we both quietly sat in the room, lost in our thoughts.  “I am totally overwhelmed by this room,” I told Steve. On the surface it looks neat, but at some level it drives me crazy. I sometimes think of it as the “Room of Lost Dreams.”  It’s where all things are possible: vacations I might enjoy, hobbies I might try, projects I might finish.  It is literally a “might-y” room.

Recently, I have been craving fresh salads.  I want fresh, crunchy, light, and raw. I want a juicer.  I want every meal to include a few grapes, a side of crudities or a small salad.  Our bodies could benefit from the enzymes, but it feels like my soul needs the light touch vegetables provide.  Suddenly it felt like all the food I eat seemed heavy and weighs me down.  As I pondered this in my journal, I realized it was the same feeling as the Room of Lost Dreams.  I need to lighten the load that keeps me in the past so I’ll have enough energy and enthusiasm to move forward.  On many levels, it seems, it is time to lighten up: practice gratitude, say thank you, remember to smile, eat your veggies, and live the lost dreams or let them go.

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Learning to Stay

“You have to participate relentlessly in the manifestations of your own blessings.” Elizabeth Gilbert

This was the quote I’d brought with me for the labyrinth walk. Manifest by blessings, huh?  I’ve realized I think of myself as exhibiting “Eeyore energy.” Down. Scowling. Judgmental, but insightful.  But the Intuitive Energy folks tell me my energy is really Tigger energy! Bouncy, happy, goofy. What happened?

What came to me was the desire to learn to stay: stay with the present moment, stay with my feelings without masking or changing them.  I realized I rarely do that.  I’m forever tweaking.  I want this feeling to be happy; that co-worker to leave; this mess to evaporate. I want to plan, to know what comes next.  I might not know what I want, but I want it to be different.

For years I tried practicing mindfulness from time to time.  I would periodically beamed in, look at my life and the mess I found myself in (single, working at a job I hated, living paycheck to paycheck), and I wouldn’t like what I found, so I’d beam out again and go back to autopilot.  For some reason I thought I’d wake up one day and things would be different, that it was just my bad luck.  I never felt like there was anything I could do to change it.  Hadn’t I done everything I’d been told should lead to success?

Finally, I am catching on to the fallacy of the “you shoulds” and what liars they are.  I’m realizing just changing jobs or changing careers doesn’t really change anything.  I’m figuring out I’m going to have to stay present with the discomfort, look for the blessings, take charge of my thinking, and notice my joys.  There is a balance between dreams and goals, and staying present with what is.  Or, as the Zen monk, Crash Davis, in the movie Bull Durham puts it

I got a lotta time to hear your theories and I want to hear every damn one of ’em… but right now I’m tired and I don’t want to think about baseball and I don’t want to think about Quantum physics… I don’t want to think about nothing……  I just want to be.

Keep Smiling!

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Tree Troll

Tree Troll

This guy totally creeped me out, but patiently waited while I got my camera out. It still came out blurry because I just wanted him to GO AWAY! Hostfest 2012 Tree Troll

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October 6, 2012 · 2:56 pm