Sorry for the delay in writing. I seem to be easily distracted these days.
As a follow-up to my last update about my crazy scheduling, I filed the complaint letter, they looked it over, and, in a nutshell, informed me there’s no problem, F* you. I read the letter, and wrote back, in essence, I don’t believe a word of it, F* you, too. It was all very pleasant, and I believe I surprised everyone by standing up for myself. Things have improved slightly, although if there is an opportunity to give someone a crappy schedule, I am still near the top of the list. I learned, though, that part of the manager’s evaluation is how many complaints she gets, so it was not an entirely wasted effort! We are all praying for her early retirement…
On a happier note, last Monday I did my monthly labyrinth walk. Often when I prepare to walk, I try to form a question of something I’d like some insight into. This time, however, I decided to try setting an intention for clarity. For years I have asked to see my life’s big picture so I know where I’m headed. I never got it. So, with my usual sharp, but hideously slow insight, I realized it probably wasn’t going to work any better this time, so set my intention to know the next step.
Here’s what happened:
I ended up walking the labyrinth twice trying to get clear. What came to me was that I was so tired of working on myself all the time. Well, I could start with acceptance. OK. How do I do that? Well, I need to just stop. Just today the Course in Miracles said to stop and listen for God’s voice, but when do I ever stop? Just 5 minutes. Give it 5 minutes to just stop and breathe.
From there I realized I need to change something with work, that my options are either to shift my thinking and come up with a better answer to “Why am I here?” than “because they pay me” or find something that does have meaning for me. That’s when I remembered the word for the day was intention. It was the last thing I read last night and in two or three things I read today. I could practice setting more positive intentions — or at least find more positive ways to phrase “because they pay me” so that it reflects more of what I hope to gain from the experience other than just a paycheck.
Along with intention came gratitude. Everyone around me is so unhappy, and it taints my outlook. I see the crap and not the blessing. Aren’t I the one who’s always reminding everyone to “shift focus”? It’s time to practice gratitude. If negativity is catching, surely gratitude can be, too. Today at work I was told “you’re the most positive person here.” I laughed. My first thought was “if I’m the most positive, then we’re in trouble.” But after a second person confirmed it, my thought was “Oh crap. That’s a lot of responsibility. I’d better get busy.” I think tonight was a reminder to start now.
I was feeling pretty amazing after getting so many clear insights into what’s my next step. So, while sitting in the center of the labyrinth, I did some of my energy work. I visualized a golden sun of positive energy above me, and let it pour into me. It flowed all through my body and came to rest in a large gold ball about the size of a softball that was sitting in the location of my left ovary – the same ovary where I formed all the cysts that eventually developed into cancer! Usually when I visualize that area, I see what amounts to gray sludge. That never seems too healthy, so I am always trying to clean it out. The last thing I expected to see was a gold orb. It was resting comfortably in the center of the sludge, which seemed to be padding it, and I realized it was the source of my creative energy and that I needed to take good care of it.
A week or so later, I still stumble along with all of this, but at least now I know what needs to be done. As always, it all boils down to practice. When I do, things go well, so that is encouraging.
Have a great week and remember, Keep smiling!