Monthly Archives: August 2012

Intention

Sorry for the delay in writing.  I seem to be easily distracted these days.

As a follow-up to my last update about my crazy scheduling, I filed the complaint letter, they looked it over, and, in a nutshell, informed me there’s no problem, F* you.  I read the letter, and wrote back, in essence, I don’t believe a word of it, F* you, too.  It was all very pleasant, and I believe I surprised everyone by standing up for myself.  Things have improved slightly, although if there is an opportunity to give someone a crappy schedule, I am still near the top of the list.  I learned, though, that part of the manager’s evaluation is how many complaints she gets, so it was not an entirely wasted effort!  We are all praying for her early retirement…

On a happier note, last Monday I did my monthly labyrinth walk.  Often when I prepare to walk, I try to form a question of something I’d like some insight into.  This time, however, I decided to try setting an intention for clarity.  For years I have asked to see my life’s big picture so I know where I’m headed.  I never got it.  So, with my usual sharp, but hideously slow insight, I realized it probably wasn’t going to work any better this time, so set my intention to know the next step.

Here’s what happened:

I ended up walking the labyrinth twice trying to get clear. What came to me was that I was so tired of working on myself all the time. Well, I could start with acceptance. OK. How do I do that?  Well, I need to just stop. Just today the Course in Miracles said to stop and listen for God’s voice, but when do I ever stop? Just 5 minutes. Give it 5 minutes to just stop and breathe.

From there I realized I need to change something with work, that my options are either to shift my thinking and come up with a better answer to “Why am I here?” than “because they pay me” or find something that does have meaning for me. That’s when I remembered the word for the day was intention. It was the last thing I read last night and in two or three things I read today. I could practice setting more positive intentions — or at least find more positive ways to phrase “because they pay me” so that it reflects more of what I hope to gain from the experience other than just a paycheck.

Along with intention came gratitude. Everyone around me is so unhappy, and it taints my outlook. I see the crap and not the blessing. Aren’t I the one who’s always reminding everyone to “shift focus”? It’s time to practice gratitude. If negativity is catching, surely gratitude can be, too.  Today at work I was told “you’re the most positive person here.” I laughed. My first thought was “if I’m the most positive, then we’re in trouble.” But after a second person confirmed it, my thought was “Oh crap. That’s a lot of responsibility. I’d better get busy.” I think tonight was a reminder to start now.

I was feeling pretty amazing after getting so many clear insights into what’s my next step.  So, while sitting in the center of the labyrinth, I did some of my energy work.  I visualized a golden sun of positive energy above me, and let it pour into me.  It flowed all through my body and came to rest in a large gold ball about the size of a softball that was sitting in the location of my left ovary – the same ovary where I formed all the cysts that eventually developed into cancer!  Usually when I visualize that area, I see what amounts to gray sludge.  That never seems too healthy, so I am always trying to clean it out.  The last thing I expected to see was a gold orb. It was resting comfortably in the center of the sludge, which seemed to be padding it, and I realized it was the source of my creative energy and that I needed to take good care of it.

A week or so later, I still stumble along with all of this, but at least now I know what needs to be done.  As always, it all boils down to practice.  When I do, things go well, so that is encouraging.

Have a great week and remember, Keep smiling!

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