Email to Circle of Atonement dated June 19, 2011
I had a pretty amazing day on Friday that I wanted to share with you.
The Course lesson was #168 that talks about Grace, and it describes God as reaching down and picking us up and wiping the sleep of a bad dream away from our eyes. As I read that, I felt so frustrated to still be here. I wanted all of this — the cancer, the impending surgery, the pain that will come with it — to disappear. But more than just “wanting a better dream,” what I really wanted was that feeling of joy that He promises. Just then, the thought came to me that what I am experiencing now IS grace. It took my breath away and left me sobbing at what a beautiful thought it was and how right it felt.
Later as I was doing my journaling, I thought about all that I am going through as being an expression of Grace. I have time to study the Course and learn, to put me first, to let go of the “you shoulds,” to receive love and care, to be healthy. I’m even coming to a place where I can allow all that is coming: the surgery, the chemo, etc, without struggling and fighting against it. (It reminds me of the way I once heard morphine described: you know the pain is there, but you don’t care anymore!) I realized there is an intense beauty in all of this. And then I knew that God did wipe some sleep from my eyes that day after all.
with love and gratitude,